Day 1 It Starts with The Decision

5 November 2012
Apeldoorn, Gelderland, Holland
(Home for the next two months)

About four months ago, I decided to do an eat-pray-love. And just like in that Julia Roberts movie, it was triggered by some life-changing-epiphany-sorta-thing. That I wanted to have a change, in my environment, in the people I see, in how I see them, and hopefully how I'd see myself.

So I found myself now writing this first entry (after a long time) in Holland, more specifically in Apeldoorn where my sister lives with her family in a nice apartment.

Fighting the jet lag, I lulled my 10-month old nephew, Baby J, to sleep. And I was successful. I sang a lullabic version of "Bahay Kubo". Who'd have thought that'd bring the kid to slumber?

I was happy at this first domestic victory--lulling a baby to sleep. And this is just the first day in Europe. I want to find something of meaning, of relevance, of simplicity, of transcendence, that I may appreciate my life more. That hopefully and eventually, I can settle down without settling. That I can proudly say I have done things well, experienced life's fullness, that making the most of my single life would merit me a good husband and a happy-ever-after. # (abridged)

As the trees begin to shed leaves in winter, I, too, should shed old ways of doing and of thinking, and soon this decade -- with all its mirth and miseries and triumphs and tragedies -- to embrace the third one that lies ahead. But first, winter. I need my trendy coat.

Day 2 & 3 Gearing up for the Task/s Ahead

7 November 2012
In Apeldoorn Centrum

We went out, three degrees outside, for the first time since I got here.

There was a nearby shopping strip --- Mango, Zara, and the local Dutch brands. We set out to look for these items, the only I items I target, take note, target, to buy while in Europe. This means everything in excess is me again not thinking of my finances. Going back, I target to get: a pair of knee-high leather (-looking) boots, trench coat (a basic), and gloves (my hands can really get really cold!). We ended up buying the gloves, at least for now, because it rained around 5PM, just about the time the stores were closing (I think our malls in Manila should close the same time. I mean, this would impact how people, especially the office-people manage their time. They would go home earlier than usual to their families, more chances of eating dinner together, and the list goes on on how this will impact the Filipino shopping and going-out culture altogether).

It was freezing cold. I mean, I was freezing! My hands were getting numb in the cold so we got in one of the still-open malls and bought a 29-euro pair of leather (-looking) gloves. We got home around 7pm and boy were we soaked! I tried the experiment of not taking a shower when you get soaked in the rain just like we do in Manila (well, it's really your mom dodging you to take a full shower when the rain has already given you an initiation).

Before it rained, I found the one pair of knee-high leather (-looking) boots that I really liked! Only that they didn't have my size. And then it rained. What a drama.

The following day, today, was my first time to baby-sit my 10-month old nephew, alone. From 7am, the moment he woke up, to 7pm, the moment his mom, my sister, got home from work. My sister works in a university here as a PhD student-researcher. Her husband, my brother-in-law, works for Philips as a researcher-scientist. They're scientists. I feel like I'm in the Big Bang real-life sitcom. We're a family of geniuses. It starts with my mom, my nagging, know-it-all mother, if you know what I mean.

Anyways, today was a bit of a challenge, which I like. Actually, my sister and my brother-in-law have been calling me every other hour today to check how I was doing, and if I was having a hard time. Of course I said no, not at all. At least I can't complain YET because everything is hard at the beginning. And it was a decision of mine to embark on this "journey" whatever you wanna call it, and I'm sticking to it. Ask me again after 10 days. Maybe I'd be eating my words. #

Apeldoorn Centrum shopping strip where to get the basic gears of boots, gloves, and coat.

Day 5 How, Why, When We Travel

10 November 2012

Young people are always engrossed with traveling, of not being here, of being somewhere else, of being anywhere else but here, as if we're always looking for ourselves.

We are traveling all the time. Our mind travels. Our heart travels. Even our nostrils travel. It's in our DNA to travel. We travel even if we are standing. We travel even without moving.

We travel with empty pockets. We travel hungry. We travel dumb. We travel and cry. We look back, we smile. We travel with haste or take our time. We travel with a cross. We travel carefree. We limp, we glide, we jump, we embrace. We travel with open arms. We travel as cowards. We travel light or heavy.  We leave marks, we leave scars. We travel gracefully, we travel tired. We travel near, we travel far. Sometimes, we don't know the way.  We travel alone, we travel as one. We travel and pretend, or pretend to travel.

We are traveling souls. Always searching. Always looking. We never cease to travel. We do only when we cease to be.

But even then....

Traveling... in opposite directions...

... in horses...

... back in time... 

... into an abyss

Day 6 A Secret to Living Life Fully

11 November 2012

Sunday in Apeldoorn home

We went to church today. And it was in Dutch, no less. Caused me more blood for my already bleeding nose 'cause of the cold.

Black, white, asian, middle-eastern, dutch. The church was full of all colors, even sizes. My 10-month old nephew could probably understand the homily more than I.

Yesterday was my brother-in-law's birthday celebration. The house was full of all characters--karaoke singers, karaoke dancers, Filipino couples, Filipino-Dutch couples, Filipino couple soon-to-be married, Filipino teenager raised in Holland, a short Filipina with a tall guy for a loverboy, an Elvis (japorms and all) and then "there's this fish..." (an inside joke I can't really explain).

They were speaking in tongues--Dutch, Bisaya, Tagalog--of which only the latter I could understand. These people have come together, relating because of one fact, that they're Filipinos. Wherever one is in the world, you're kind of inclined to go back to who you are, and you try to find who you are in wherever you are. Living in a place other than your country makes you live life more excitedly. At least in my opinion. You put more life in to your everyday, knowing somehow that these are temporary, that you are not staying in this foreign land all the days of your life. 

Maybe this is one of the secrets to living life fully: to keep on moving, such that you cherish every place, every person you meet, every food you eat, every handshake of a stranger, every new word you learn. Every experience, every moment is a moment that's gone by.

I want to make photographs, but not just still photographs. I want to make moving photographs.

You might say I want to make films. But I just really want to create moving photographs, or shots of moments. Not movements, but moments in milliseconds, to catch the blinking of the eyes, the fluttering of the lashes, a smirk, a short smile, the flair of the hair, tiptoeing legs of a baby, a moment to sit on the pavement, a glance, a sweet glance, a pair of eyes looking up a stranger, the quick hurt caused by a glaring light, a soft touch on someone else's cheek, eyes that water from laughing, growling of the coffee pot, a kiss from a rose.

Moments that define us, moments that burst of happiness, moments that don't last forever and therefore we cherish them.

It's Sunday today, and not just any Sunday. It's Beatles Sunday. The songs, for sure, will play in my head all day today. It reminds me of the Sundays at home when my dad would hit the DVD player with Ed Sullivan's The Beatles episodes. It reminds me of home... six thousand miles away. #

A moment frozen in time. (Taken in Brugge, Belgium)

Day 8 The Difference between Praying sitting up and Praying lying down

13 November 2013

I learned yesterday from listening to an Elizabeth Gilbert podcast that, most writers fear writing because they fight it. When one writes, one has to participate in the act of writing, and stop fighting it. Lest, it'll feel like a bitter gourd pushed into your mouth to eat.

I think I have started participating again in this thing called writing. This has become my meditation activity for each day. Actually, it's part of my "life simplification" project: I recently started this list of how I can simplify my life.

So far, I've noted down: you don't have to put up with difficult people, you don't have to put up with people who refuse to use their head (read: stupid), go ahead and choose friends this time, clean clutter, make bed, etc. 

Now that I'll be in Apeldoorn for a little while, I have decided to simplify my every day here, with three things: work online, babysit, write. These three activities are sandwiched by a 50-rep curl up exercise in the morning and a sitting-up prayer at night. With emphasis on sitting up.

I resolved to pray sitting up and not lying down 'cause the latter is just lazy and lame. I remember asking my dad, when I was little, what's the difference between praying sitting up and praying lying down. I think the answer I got was, if I was too lazy to sit up and pray, God might be too lazy as well to answer my prayers. Hmm, fair enough. Tit for tat it is.

I just started on this "life simplification project Apeldoorn edition" two days ago. I still have 19 days to go for this to become a habit. I need nothing else but Good luck! #

Day 9 A Lesson on Love (Apeldoorn home)

14 November 2012


Sh*t happened today. And I mean sh*t. I don't really want to give you the details but it was a little messy. Ok--I think "messy" kinda gave it away. When that happened, I realized, this babysitting is no easy thing. Not. at. all. What, with all the sh*t! Here's just a few things that both irk and melt me about this lil man:

• He sneezes with saliva flying around, and then smiles.

• Almost tears apart the book I'm reading, which is not even mine.

• Scratches my cheek and neck when he makes gigil.

• Reaches out for my collarbone when he's sleeping as if checking if I'm still carrying him (smart kid).

• When he, just out of nowhere, brushes his mouth on my feet, like I'm food.

The cosmic part is, however yucky, smelly, or irritating my nephew gets, I still adore him. I guess that's how our parents look at us. And how God looks at all of us. Like innocent lil kids, however shitty we could often be. #

Day 12 to 17 Losing track of days

November 22ish
(In Apeldoorn and some Amsterdam, Holland)

I haven't been around, I know, because of something. And knowing me, that could only be either work or love life. And since the latter is zero, then we know the culprit.

It's been a week and a day since my last post. I have lost track of the days. Much has happened. Well, I think that's an overstatement.

I've just been at home babysitting most days, and that means weekdays, and weekdays are Monday to Friday, and that totals five days. Five long days at home.

Much as I want to go out and breathe some fresh cold air that's just gonna dry up my nostrils a bit more, I just can't because the baby needs looking after 24/7. It's real work mind you. We get to go out on weekends; my sister, her husband, the baby and I, for one, went to Amsterdam last weekend.

Ahh that was great! I really could feel I was in a different place. It's a city, like any other city, but always unique. Busy, a melting pot of all colors, tourists and locals alike, big structures, apartment houses that stand side by side each other with that quaint feel yet modern, trains stations loaded with people, lifts smelling like somebody just peed in it, shoppers looking for anything that says Amsterdam in it, and lovers kissing under the Anne Frank museum. (Why did I even have to see that!) I even just learned that Heineken is a Dutch beer, not German. We met some friends too and had a Filipino gathering at one of my sister's friends' apartment. We feasted on a sumptuous dinner of salmon pasta, lamb, and lemon tiramisu, drank the famous beers and wine in town, and sang some Michael Jackson and Phil Collins hits we could find from chordie.com accompanied by a bass guitar, a regular guitar, and an organ played by who-could-have-thought-they-could-all-play-and-sing friends of my sister's.

Apart from that, it's been boring.

Weekdays spent at home? That's not what weekdays are made for! And I'm not one who waits for the weekend to have fun. I'd do it now, to the ire of my pressing workload waiting for me in my email.

So, yeah, work got in the way, as it always does. I had to thoroughly think about how I could possibly work as efficiently and as uninterruptedly as possible, and I figured, it's after dinner when my sister and her husband are both home and can bond with their kid. It's been productive so far. I just end up sometimes sleeping at 1:30 in the morning, and then my other work, babysitting that is, wakes me up around 7am.

So now my nights here are spent working (while my colleagues in Manila are in their last set of snores before dawn dawns). And since I usually write at night when my mind is more open and creative supposedly, work, as I said, gets in the way. I am really sorry for my writing time. #

"It's a city, like any other city, but always unique. Busy, a melting pot of all colors, tourists and locals alike, big structures, apartment houses that stand side by side each other with that quaint feel yet modern, trains stations loaded with people, lifts smelling like somebody just peed in it, shoppers looking for anything that says Amsterdam in it, and lovers kissing under the Anne Frank museum."